Captain Moonlight

Saturday:

I know I posted yesterday but a lot has happened in a short period of time. Its amazing how quickly your emotions can really put you in a slump and then the very next moment completely turn around on you. Let me explain:

This past week has been long. I have been roaming around Dublin looking for new things to do that didn't cost money but I didn't have much going for me. So everyday I would leave the hostel at 11 and come back at 2 and have lunch take a nap and pretty much wait for the day to end. I was worried about my money and how long it was going to last and what I was going to do to occupy my time here because there is only so much sight seeing a person can do. That's no way to be on vacation and that's not how I wanted this to go. So I was pretty much stuck and I wasn't sure how to fix it. I miss home so much, I found myself watching reruns of "The Hills". This lady from Portugal caught me, it was quite embarrassing. Then I called home to hear familiar voices.

After I got off the phone with my Mom I called my Dad. Now I will be the first person to say it, I am not one to let my parents get the best of me. I have the audacity to try very hard to do my own thing without help from anyone, may that be my strength or weakness. But I called home in my slump and I spoke to my father. From the moment I got on the phone I knew that my Dad could hear that I wasn't exactly right. He talked to me a bit and knocked some goddamn sense in to my brain.

I was going to be in Ireland for much too long. I was stretched over a long period of time and that was taking a toll on me. After a good long talk he told me that if I wanted to come home sooner than planned I can and he would help me if I need any money or anything which was an amazingly generous thing to do. I hadn't thought about that idea before but it was making a lot of sense to me now. I hung up the phone and looked into a flight change. Fortunately it worked out so that I will be coming home a week and a half earlier than planned and even though that doesn't sound like much, it is a long time if you're by yourself with not a ton to do. So I booked the flight for June 21 and I'm elated. There was something that was lifted off of my shoulders and as I walked out of the internet cafe I felt very much relieved. My father and I might not see each other everyday, but he saw right through me and that humbled me in a thousand ways. I haven't had my parents really stretch out their arm to me and I allow them to grab me in a long time. But I was glad I let that happen. Sometimes despite my efforts, my parents know better than I do.

So I walked out a different person and it was amazing. I got into my hostel and I swear to God it was a gift from God. 5 young guys were sitting in the hostel drinking. As gay as it sounds, I have never been so happy to see a lot of guys like that in my life. We all started talking and we went out drinking last night. It was my first time here going out at night, being with people, and drinking like I should be doing.

We went to this pub called The Stags Head and got beer and went down into their basement and listened to the best goddamn fiddle I have ever heard in my life. I was sitting in an Irish pub, drinking Guinnes, surrounded by people like me, listening to the music of my family. This was the greatest moment of my entire life. I sat there and I just closed my eyes and I was the happiest I had been in a long time. There is no greater feeling than that. It was a truly life changing experience. That is the very reason I came to Europe was for last night.

So my trip has been flipped upside down, in and out, and back again and its been one hell of a ride so far. When people ask me what I'm doing when I over here, "Why did you come? What are you doing here?" And the only thing I can think of when I get asked that is that I'm to try. I am trying. I'm trying to figure it out as I go. I'm trying to learn about myself. I'm trying to come back a better person. Thats the idea. I much more interested in that than monuments and theaters.

So don't worry about me. Everything is right. I'm ok even when I'm not ok. I figured everything out with a bit of help.

Thanks Dad.